This is an open letter to the love of my life.
I have always been a fiercely private person, so this especially, is a gesture of the scope of my feelings, my willingness to bare my soul, my readiness to be vulnerable – for you.
I am not an easy person to love. Like all of us, I have flaws, weaknesses, baggage. I am possessive and jealous, emotional and hypersensitive, demanding and sometimes selfish. Tonight, I heard you telling me that you felt somewhat inadequate and you thought I was dissatisfied with our relationship. Nothing is further from the truth. I am sorry that you ever had reason to believe that and I hope you never will again.
Before I met you, I was bitter and cynical. I honestly didn’t believe in love, I didn’t believe there was anything worthwhile beyond the “honeymoon period”, and I believed that every relationship was either doomed to end miserably or otherwise couples just lived out their passionless, mediocre lives; liking, but not truly loving their partner. I didn’t want a family. Achieving my dream career was the single most important thing in my life. I carved out a satisfactory little life for myself and I was content.
And then our paths crossed. Our lives became inexplicably intertwined with one another and you revolutionised my life, my world, my beliefs, my everything.
I knew the very first time we met that I felt differently about you. It was like you reached deep inside my mind and soul and possessed me. You intrigued me. You challenged me. You inspired me. You made me laugh. You gave me butterflies and made me feel like a goddess. I felt feverish, impassioned, young and exuberant.
And you terrified me. You were poking holes in the walls I’d carefully constructed around myself. I wanted to spend every minute with you, to know everything about you, to completely consume you. I had an overwhelming sense of not wanting to be with anyone else ever again. I told you things I had never told another person in my life. I felt like you had tipped my world up on its head and I was completely at your mercy.
I remember the exact moment you first put your arms around me. I remember long balmy nights when we lay on damp sheets under the fan with music lulling us to sleep, and my fingers would be entwined with yours and I felt the most serene bliss I’d ever known. I would try to etch those moments into my mind to remember forever, knowing that they would be some of the most precious memories I’d ever make. I remember the exact, terrifying moment that I told you I wanted you, and I lay my soul bare for you, and you picked it up tenderly, and said you wanted me back.
Many months have passed since then and I love you more every day. I love you for so many reasons that I could write a novel, but this letter will have to suffice. I love that you have taught me so much. You have opened up my world to “the internet” and documentaries and I’ve watched and listened to things from far flung corners of the world that I wouldn’t have been exposed to otherwise. I love your creativity and your beautiful imagination. I adore your spontaneous, detailed stories that you make up on the spot! I love your open-mindedness and the way you accept me and others just as we are. I love your intelligence and the way you use words that I don’t know (but rarely admit). I love the way you take ages to cook dinner because you don’t take shortcuts. I love that you delight in simple things like a good hamburger or one of your favourite songs. I have a soft spot for the way you sing “Redbone”. I love your sense of humour and your willingness to be silly to make me smile. I love your passion and the way you immerse yourself in your interests. I am grateful for the way you ask me how my day was, every single day. I am grateful for the way you take me out when I am sulky and bored. I love the way you steal my cordial, yell out things in your sleep and enthusiastically show me your latest haul from the op shop. You’re left of the middle sometimes, you’re incredibly kind and intuitive, you’re insightful, accommodating, understanding and endlessly supportive. You are amazing.
With you, I have learned the most important lessons of my life so far. You have taught me that relationships are even better when the “honeymoon period” transitions into the next exciting chapter. You have taught me that true love is real. You have revolutionised my world! Rather than fantasising about my high status job and my dream house and all my wealth, I dream about a simple life with you. A few weeks ago, we had this perfect moment. We were standing in the hot, smoky kitchen, there were sausages sizzling in the fry pan, there was a soulful song playing from the living room and you pulled me close for a lingering hug. It was so simple – the music, the smell of frying sausages, our embrace – and I was so overwhelmingly content and filled with love. I thought “this is enough, I don’t need anything else in life”. I know that together we could achieve great things, but even if we don’t, a life with you is more than enough for me. With you, I have friendship, passion, companionship, partnership, intimacy, love and lust all at once. I keep thinking how lucky I am and how surreal this is. I just didn’t think this kind of love existed.
So thank you. Thank you for just being you, and thank you for loving me.